ok. So.
I need to accept that fact that majority of my own thoughts and fears ARE NOT MINE. At all. They are all from mothers head, and I, like a docile child agreed. I agreed that I can't do anything without someones help, that I am pathetic and everything needed to be told I need to do. They let me do not work "because you won't be nurse - it's not for you. You are a doctor." So, I don't have any real practice. She's always criticises me. Even, when she's not. I can hear it in the tone of her voice.
Because "How you can learn Dutch by yourself?"
I know what is she talking about ("You need to study with teacher"
But I hear like "You can't do it by yourself. Because it is you."
I need to have my own opinion and stay calm and straight.
I need to understand what I need to do. Not my mother. Or father. I need to make my own decision.